Do you ever wonder…

About the decisions you’ve made in life? Whether they were right or wrong? or is there even such a thing as right or wrong? That’s kind of where i’m sitting this morning, on Day 63 of New York on Pause. It’s not a bad feeling, or a depression thought, no, it’s something different. It’s a legitimate question I think, one fueled in honest retrospection. How did I get where I am today, sitting in this apartment, in the city of Manhattan.

After 60 days of reduced Mass Transit, and vehicle traffic, the skies over Manhattan are far clearer than i’ve seen since i’ve moved to New York.

I don’t think there’s a clear cut answer on that, at least not one that I can discern. When I chose to move to New York, I had a decision to make, it wasn’t right or wrong, it was Yes or No. It was “am I going to do this?”, am I going to take that leap. I don’t regret that choice to move here, I do however wonder about the alternatives I had been considering. There were honestly several options I had been considering prior to coming here. Staying where I was however, was never one of them.

Before I wound up here, I had considered a number of options. Boston, Massachusetts for instance, I had connections and friends there already, it was interesting, and it was unique steeped in a history oft forgotten, but also home to a young generation of people my age. At the time, i’d also been considering Austin, Texas. I’ve made a yearly visit over the summer the past two years. Austin is another unique city, full of culture, and home to many transplants of NYC, and Los Angeles. To move to Austin would have been closer to a fresh start, though I still had one or two friends there as well.

There was one last thing I was considering before I got the job in Manhattan, and moved here. I had never mentioned it to anyone but, I was honestly considering getting my passport, and applying for a working vacation visa in Australia. Dropping everything, leaving the job I had and finding work in Australia, spending a year there, maybe more if I could find permanent work. Exploring a country, no a continent all it’s own, meeting new people, learning how to surf, and experiencing the southern sun, and sand underneath my feet.

I sometimes wonder what any of these options would have been like, and what path they’d lead me down had I taken them. I wonder if i’d still be friends with the people i’m friends with now, would they be willing to put up with time difference and distance had I chosen, Austin, or worse Australia. How would my family have taken it all? Would I be dating someone? What would I be doing? I wouldn’t be on pause in NYC after all, but elsewhere. I can only speculate on the possibilities.

It’s fun to think about, and I think i’m forced into thinking about such things because we are on pause. In the past 63 days I’ve been out of my apartment for about 14 hours total now. My social life, has taken a drastic shift, I haven’t seen family, and friends physically for months now. Doctor’s appointments have gone virtual. Work from Home has become a standard of living, one where I roll out of bed, and punch in 5 minutes later. The fact that depression hasn’t taken a deeper root in my life is a small miracle in itself considering what I had planned for this year.

A thirtieth birthday part or two to celebrate with friends and family. A cruise to the Caribbean with friends and family. Time at the beach which I sorely lacked last year. A new role at work, and travel for work. Speed dating, and the expansion of my horizons in NY. All put on hold by something so small and invisible, yet completely invasive in the lives of all. Part of me hopes that the next time i’m writing, in 30 days or so we’ll be looking at a shift of perspective, we’ll be looking at a slowly re-opening state. Looking at the possibilities of Travel again, and a return to office spaces. It’s a positive outlook that I need to continue to hope for, a shift to a something similar to what we had, though I know we will never return to the normal we had. I hope that i’ll be able to hug a friend, or a family member again in the near future. I look forward to that day immensely.

Today’s blog post didn’t really have a moral to the story, or a point, it was merely a physical manifestation of the train of thoughts I had this morning, and the retrospection i’d gone through. If you read to the end great, and if not I totally understand that too. This was more for me, than anyone else.

Until next time…